Itching for some hand holdin...

Well, hello again! 

Life has kept me on my toes lately, a go, go goin...but as I'm winding down the

weekend & enjoying my peaceful Sunday afternoon I thought I'd share 

the latest musings going through my head...

First, I have to say, I have been craving a hand to hold on to!

Its one of those innocent yet intimate moments that I've been missing lately.

I get a sense of security, of nurture, of support when my hand is held ~

I guess, all feelings that I'm needing fulfilled with life's chaos these past couple of weeks.

Really looking forward to some serious hand holding one of these days!!

A friend & I were talking the other day and she asked me WHAT exactly am I looking for in a relationship?

Grand romantic gestures? Commitment levels - marriage? Long term?

What's it look like to me?

Of course this got me thinking, as it was hard to put in to words at that moment.

I think we're all pretty aware by now that I'm a hopeless romantic, but when I thought more about it, its not the big romantic gestures that make me swoon, its the thoughtful notes or texts, just saying "hi, thinking of you".

I like the idea of pure partnership.

I know it won't always be sunshine & rainbows, 

but I love the idea of knowing someone is there for me & I for him.

A relationship where we each love the other for who they are, for their quirks & all, and we're free to be exactly who we are.

Having a trust in one another that neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon if some bumps arise.

Knowing that someone is there to cheer along side you when life is groovin & to hug you when its throwing tomatoes at you...

So, yep Universe that's what I'm looking for :)

I was introduced to StoryCorps a couple of years ago while listening to the radio & immediately was hooked!

Hearing people tell their stories is just amazing ~ when you take the time to stop & listen, tune out the noise & just experience their stories along with them, it is so rewarding and fascinating!

This is really what life is about ~ connecting & loving others.

Enjoy this animated story clip from Danny & Annie Perasa ~

I can only hope to find the love & partnership like they share...

they're a real life version of "UP" :)

Have a great week ahead!!

xo

Day by day, date by date...

Well, the last time we chatted I was on the debate of taking some time off from dating, 

yet somehow my actions weren't quite matching my words...

With a lot of long hours on set & down time between set-ups, I found myself checking out profile after profile.

And even thought my heart wasn't in it, I was going through the motions, 

pretty much on auto-pilot.

Tired of being alone, I guess I wanted to feel like I was "taking action", 

not just sitting by waiting for life to happen, for love to cross my path by pure luck, but yet I was numb as I scrolled from one to the next.

Knowing I wasn't quite enjoying the process, a fellow single girlfriend on set joined my search & thought she'd find him for me ~ why not? Outside opinions could be great, right?  Maybe she'll see the diamond in the rough.

We got on a clicking flurry, which could easily go so many ways ~ from good, to bad, to ugly ~especially since they can see when you've visited their profile...

Well, I got a live one!

Sent me message like he was answering a question (which I hadn't asked) & in my "eh" state, I answered...mistake #1.

Responding to his 3rd message, (after ignoring message #2), at midnight on a Friday night while sitting on set AND giving him my #...mistake #2.

Responding to his 7am text & 10 am follow-up voice mail...mistake #3

Who knows why I was shocked when he kept texting even after I said I was busy & would call later... silly me.

But the kicker was when he asked for me to send him a photo for his phone ~

& we hadn't even spoke to each other yet!!!!

Oh, & he was sure to send me one. His aggressiveness & eagerness rendered him very unattractive in my book.

Now, I've been told by some that it is completely normal to ask for pics (really?, I mean really?)

Men are visual...they want to be sure you're profile pics are true...whatever the excuse, I was CREEPED out!!

Went with my gut, cancelled our date for the next day & wished him well...

Things HAD to change! 

So, I deleted my okcupid account & headed towards the greener pastures of the "scientific matching system" of eharmony.

Kinda going with the rationale that if they're willing to pay for a subscription, they must be ready for a real relationship, and if anything else it's a new audience.

We'll see...

The last time I tried eharmony, a lil over 2 years ago, they told me they had no matches for me & to try back later.

And while yes, I appreciated their honesty & not taking my money for nothing, 

it did sting a bit to hear there was nobody for me.

But its 2 years later...

I'm a new woman...I'm hopeful!

And quality matches have been coming in - phew!! 

I think my meat eating tendencies deterred the Vegan. 

The Science Professor & I had very little to talk about.

But thankfully the matching game continues...

And to keep things fresh, friends have been sending potential mates my way too.

Who knows you better & wants to see you happy more than your friends, right?

The 1st fix-up was fun. A great guy.

Made me laugh. Found him very attractive.

But,

he wasn't looking for a relationship. 

Likes his life how it is.

I admire that awareness & candidness up front.

The 2nd friend intro/re-connection is quite a cool guy.

Had a blast chatting the night away with him 

& look forward to getting to know him more! :)

(*I'll be honest I'm nervous writing about him, as he could read this & I haven't mentioned my blog to him yet. I like being able to open up about my thoughts & feelings and will have to figure out how to do this if he's going to read)

On another exciting fun note, I've been invited to be a "practice date" this weekend 

for a group of men who are working on their dating skills.

I love it!

I cannot wait to be practiced on, hear what they've been taught, & get their insights ~ I think it will be a pretty insightful night, to say the least!! ;)

I guess its been a busy coupla weeks now that I look back on it,

the good mojo is starting to flow again & I have some really good feelings about what's coming!!

Til next time, xo

It was bound to happen...

Looking for love online does come with its risks, I mean you are talking to complete strangers.

Why do we so easily open up to them, to the idea of them as a mate?

Its not like we're handing out our numbers & hearts to every guy who walks by in the grocery store. In person we seem to be a lil more guarded with our hearts, but online we gaze at their pics, we read their words, exchange some emails & all of sudden a fantasy of what life could be like with him is dancing in our head.

We hold their well crafted words to be truth, their pictures to be the "everyday" version them, & not a well lit, best angle snapshot that is not reality from most angles.

And well, it finally happened...

the "inaccurate photo" guy finally showed up.

Mr. Pics & I mutually "chose" each other on OkCupid through their "Quick Match" system, where they give you a lil glimpse at each other's profile's & you give star ratings ~ lucky for us we each gave the other 4 or 5 stars.

Emails announcing your mutual interest are sent, let the connecting begin...

A couple of rounds of emails, a request for my number, the ring of my phone & the fun begins...

Completely shocked that he rang a mere 2 hours after asking for my number, I figured I HAD to answer the phone & I was really glad I did!

Turns out he's a very talkative type, which is great for me (I'm a good listener-type).

We chatted for a coupla hours, yes hours(!), & when we hung up I actually said out loud "well that was fun".

I couldn't believe how enjoyable our conversation was ~ it had been a while since I was intrigued by a man and what he had to say. He was funny, took risks, loved what he does for a living, shared similar interests ~ I couldn't wait to meet him.

We decided to meet on Sunday.

He offered to come my direction (points for him, especially considering he's a West-sider)

I couldn't tell with the options he threw out there ~ cafes to bars, what exactly kind of date we were going for.

We ended up with the bar/restaurant option based on their great patio, but chose to meet a 4p (?) - is that a late lunch? Early dinner? Drinks only? Who knew what this date held...

He was definitely manicure worthy, I mean I had been looking forward to meeting him all week. I had my favorite dress on, my best smelling perfume, I was feeling pretty & couldn't wait to meet him!

We both arrived at the same time, and since the place was virtually empty at that hour, he was easy to spot, except that he looked nothing like his pictures ~

easily 30-40lbs heavier than presented online.

Yes, his profile said "a lil extra", which his pics somewhat represented, but...

After the awkward hello's & we immediately went to the LA standard safe topic - traffic!

As he got our drinks, I noticed his entire back was wet with sweat & as we sat and talked he continued to sweat for another 15 minutes.

My mind wandered to activities we could be doing in the future & wondering how much he'd be sweating.

I mean, he got out of a BMW, so I know he had air conditioning, if crossing the street caused this sweat, I could only imagine...

The date was fine, he's a talker, like I said, so I learned alot.

Has roommates, 2 other guys - they call it their halfway house for divorcees (lovely)

Still not divorced (great)

As I sat there I kept questioning myself & how superficial am I???? 

Yes, we were not meeting up on other points too, but if we were "connecting" could I get past the extra lbs?

And if I expect him to be leaner, how can I judge with my "soft" spots?

I'm not a Sz 2 model/actress type that roam the streets here ~

who am I to be picky?

Maybe I should accept what interest is shown to me & get this done?

What wins out in the end?

Attraction?

Personality?

If we want/expect to be attracted to our mates, must we live up to that standard we're setting for them?

This has really left me spinning & questioning myself, how dare I judge him when I'm not perfect? If I want a lean man, should I assume he'll want the same & I need to diet more?

This experience, on top of the previous half dozen, has left me wanting to take a break.

A friend says she'll only let me take a week off, but I'm not sure if that's enough time for my heart.

I'm tired of being alone, but lonely & disappointed is worse.

I've recently started back to a job I thought I enjoyed, but in a matter of days I've seen myself crash. The grueling hours have sucked any joy I had for it out. And with these hours, I have no time for myself, my business or my dating life.

I do this job to support my business, but I'm left pondering if I was to give up my business, then my financial stresses will feel some relief, then maybe I can find a job with humane hours?

And if I give up my business, why stay here in LA?

Maybe to find the love of my life, I need to move on...

Am I willing to make finding LOVE my priority?

I used to think I loved what I did for a living & loved my business, but I'm beginning to wonder if they're safety nets to hide in?

I'm too tired to answer these questions right now, but they've got me thinking.

I'm sending prayers up.

Maybe its time to move on

xo

Set-ups, solo dates, & flashbacks from the past...

Ok, I'm back at it!

Online flirting that is ;)

Always, gotta keep in practice, right?

So far, not so good in the response department, soooo I'm going with we're not a match on all counts.

I will admit to getting confused by the guys who do pick you as a "match" via OkCupid's "Quick Match" system, yet when you get notified that you both chose each other, they don't make a move.

So, I'll throw a quick lil note out there to said match...nothing.

Huh? Why?

It can all be very confusing.

I try to not interpret actions or non-actions, but you gotta wonder sometimes people's motivations.

Best to keep it at screen value ~ what's said is what's meant, no action means no action, eventually someone who wants to chat will come along.

  

A friend sent me a link to an article about about modern dating.

It mostly pertained to the Millennial Generation, but it still made me sad.

The art of dating & courting a mate is disappearing, 

while 20-somethings just continue in hook-up mode from college or group dates.

A whole generation may never go on a proper date!! Its CRAZY!!

It seems gone is the actual verbal asking for a date, most guys seem to text or email & usually without much notice, according to the article.

I am SO thankful to not be a part of that generation!

Especially since I've been "trying out" the older gentlemen, they have all picked up the phone & asked me out (only 1 resorted to text & he was weeded out quickly).

Of course with their calling, it meant I actually had to pick up the phone - eek!- (& not screen it), which I proudly & nervously did :)

I'm not a phone person, never have been, even in high school. I like to use it to make the plans, & we'll chat in person, so I try to keep the conversations short & sweet.

I will admit it is great to put a voice to the words you've been reading though.

It helps the daydreams seem more real.

It also brought up the FOMO theory. 

I'll agree with my friend that it has always been around to some extent, but I feel the internet & online dating have made the Fear Of Missing Out more pronounced.

It has hyper-sensitized the fear of settling, I mean there's soooooo many options now, with each click an even better woman or man could be waiting, while you just skim over one who's good, but not 110% good....

Which leads me to pondering the "mathematical" matching systems they use on these sites...I've been shopping my matches & of course they see if you click on their profile, so at what percentage of a match is he worth clicking on? 75%? 80%? Only 90% & above make the cut?

I used to figure 85% & up was good, but then my clicks I was attracted to were getting few & far between, so I've lowered it to the 80% match tile, with high friend %'s too.

I figure that's in the "B" range, right?

That's a hopeful amount for connection, right?

I'm open to your suggestions ;)

Ok, enough with the online! Time to join the real world!

It was solo date night on Saturday & I had a blast!

I hadn't treated just myself out in quite a while, so it was a refreshing change.

Now it wasn't the intended plan for the evening, but all my friends were busy & I saw no point to my tickets going to waste. So I packed up my bag & off to the outdoor screening of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" I went.

Had a good book to keep me company til the sun set, munched on my popcorn & drank my wine. It was divine.

No awkward lulls in conversation. No worries if they were enjoying themselves. It was just me getting to soak up the gorgeous-ness of a crisp LA night, watching 2 wonderful actresses light up the screen.



Its so fun to watch Marilyn Monroe oooooze her femininity. Sure, sometimes she uses to get what she wants, but there's something so amazing in watching a woman own her beauty & curves.
She was smart at playing dumb, you always know she knew what she was doing. So talented.

We always fight so hard to be taken seriously today, but I'd much rather see strength from men than fight to be their equal. I love the men/women dynamics of the older movies!
I feel I probably have lamented this before...


Ah yes, Ms Monroe ~ "I'm very definitely a woman & I enjoy it!"

So, from solo dates, I jumped to well-crafted brunch with friends on Sunday for a "chance" meeting with a friend's co-worker, who he thought would be a great match.
Cute, very funny, same industry (which is a good & bad thing).
Thankfully, I don't think he was aware of the brunch's intention.
So much less pressure to "perform" ;)
I know I don't do well in groups, especially when most are strangers. I tend to be the quiet, listening one when surrounded by a large group of big boisterous personalities, like this one. 
It was hard not to "over-mimosa" to compensate, but thankfully I resisted the urge.
If anything, I got to know the group better & maybe a seed was planted...
I always appreciate my friend looking to hook a girl up!

And, of course right on cue, enters the guy I was dating right before I met my ex - a previous hook up attempt from same friend's...I shoulda figured he'd be there.
Oops, sorry I never returned your calls or texts, I got busy being swept off my feet...so how've you been?
Slightly awkward...but my bubbly buzz helped ;)

Well that about sums up this past week, can't wait to see what/who lies ahead this week!

xo

God Bless Pie

Ahhhhh, a new week has begun, what adventures lie ahead???

I will say, it is off to a great start!!

I know I'm always telling you stories as I look for love, but I've gotta share this high I'm on tonight ~

Earlier today I had some big decisions to make with my upcoming collection for Ch*Armz, of course the creative side of the decision process was fun (I love that part!) but when it came down to all the other stuff, I was spinning out in my head.

I did not want to freeze & over-think, but yet I've gotta think it through...how much is too much when it comes to thinking?

My gut knew I was on the right path, I just needed to keep reminding my feet to take one step, then another. It was time for action instead of analyzation.

And I did, I took action!

I sit here with a living room full of fabric I adore & now I'm looking at the next step.

Today showed me I do have faith in myself & in my abilities.

I am giddy at the thought of the next few months as I challenge myself to step outside of my fears & believe in me!

My "safe" life is great, but I have dreams for it to be bigger & I can make it bigger!

And of course this pertains to love too!!

I'm working on pushing through my fears of getting hurt & being vulnerable again, believing I'm enough & lovable, but it's not always easy...

Take for instance, Guy #4.

I should've known when he booked the date & said "let's do early on Friday (7p) before we get our night's started".

I hate to say it, but he was my Friday night. 

It may be the romantic in me, but even if we say we're just meeting for drinks, I like to keep the evening open to the possibility of anything, we may hit it off, decide to have dinner, talk for hours, who knows...end up at the beach with our toes in the sand.

OR home 45 minutes later with a box salad & Liz Lemon.

We met at Golden Road Brewery, which is a great casual spot, if you're a beer drinker, which he is not. Odd choice of venue. He ordered wine.

They have the communal dining experience, so our 1st date was joined 2 other couples & a family of 3, nice & intimate ;)

Once we got our drinks & squeezed ourselves into a table, the stand-up routine began.

I thought he was a producer/sax player/movie critic, now we're adding comedian to the mix?

Oh boy!

Oh & he's also a baker, which may have been what lured me on the date to be honest ;)

So, we get to talking about baked goods & here comes the schtick.

He's talking about the "Republic of Pies" somewhere in the Valley, 

my interest is piqued, what's on the menu, where is it, etc...& he gets rolling with its more of a "dictatorship of pies", no wait its an "oligarchy of pies"...is it, is it an oligarchy? he asks....& PULLS OUT HIS PHONE, gotta Google this...yep, yep its an"Oligarchy of Pies"

He's cracking himself up. I wince, fake chuckle & gulp my beer. 

And in a blink of an eye our mini date was done, he had dinner plans.

Points for at least paying for my drink, but they were quickly lost as he couldn't even walk me 3 cars past his to mine.

I like when they make it clear as day that you'd never like to see them again.

Next...

I will say I'm glad Guys 1-4 have gotten me back out there; they've introduced me to some great restaurants, lounges & cuisine.

They have also shown me I need to tune back in to what type of partner I'm looking for & not be so eager to just get to the date.

I want the dates to be fun & be something I look forward to...

I look forward to the endless conversations, the holding hands, the laughing & the sharing as we get to know each other...

I'm diving back in the sea to find my fish.

Guaranteed more stories to follow ;)

In the meantime, I'm curling up with some love letters & great stories.

In a recent trip to Ojai with Mom, we came across this amazing outdoor book store, Bart's Books.

We got lost in there for hours. Mom in reflexology. Me in great love stories of the past.   

 I found an interesting biography of JFK & Jackie's love & life together that I couldn't resist getting, I want behind the story of Camelot. Plus its an old hard cover book, just like good ole library days. It feels so weird to turn actual pages! I love it!

And as I dug through stacks of books, I was drawn to Keats & his love letters to Fanny Brawne...awww the beauty of words!

Look at that gaze!

13 October, 1819

"...My sweet Fanny, will your heart never change? My love, will it? I have no limit to my love now....Your note came in just here. I cannot be happier away from you. 'Tis richer than an Argosy of Pearles. Do not threaten me in jest. I have been astonished that Men could die Martyrs for religion - I have shudder'd at it. I shudder no more - I could be martyr'd for my Religion - Love is my religion - I could die for that. I could die for you. My Creed is Love and you are its only tenet. You have ravish'd me away by a Power I cannot resist; and yet I could resist til I saw you; and even since I have seen you I have endeavoured often 'to reason against the reason of my Love.' I can do no more - the pain would be too great. I cannot breathe without you.
                                                                                                                  Yours for ever
                                                                                                                        John Keats

And on that note...
xo

Mid-week musings

Alrighty, I'm a month into the Summer of YES, thought I'd check in & give y'all a lil update.
I will say that saying "yes" keeps one's calendar quite full!
Between friends, family, travel, OkCupid & How bout we?, life has been one activity to the next.

My month on How bout we? is up & here's what I've learned from this dating site:
~While the site's intent is to get you offline quicker & out dating, it's like pulling teeth to get the men to actually ask you out, still lots of emails pinging back & forth...boring, let's meet up!
~ Men love the "Intrigued" button...c'mon, man up & actually start a conversation!
~ Men love to put wildly creative 1st dates up, which is quite a fantastic insight to their personality, but has yet to have been the actual 1st date.
~ Women put realistic dates like "let's go for coffee or a drink" 
(which has been what the 1st dates have actually been at the man's suggestion funnily enough)
~ Silly screen names are abundant
~ Like most other sites, some conversations just fade away, never to be heard from again
~ Men in their late 50's still think they've got it
(I am & will always be impressed with men's confidence levels)

While it was fun, I'm logging out of How bout we? for now. 
Heading back to work & figuring time will be limited, I might as well hang out with my good ole freebie pal, OkCupid ;)

Round up of dates from the past month: 3 guys, 7 dates
Guy #1 (OkC), oh you also know him as Chandler Bing, popped back in so unexpectedly that I found myself saying yes before I realized who I was talking to ~ but I said YES!
For our 2nd date, we were gonna hit a story slam that I wanted to go to, but I tend to forget that we live in a city of millions, so if I hear of an event chances are pretty good that at least 2-3 million also heard about it, so with a line weaving around the block, we did not get in...which really was too bad since we'd now be forced to talk over dinner. 
The food was amazing (love finding a new good Mexican food spot!) & with 2 margaritas in me I was fine to let him ramble on about doing background work (mind you, I thought he was an asst. director).
I think we all know there's no more to this story...

Guy #2 (How bout we), caught my attention by pointing out 2 of my likes ~ he wears glasses & enjoys movies.
He recently turned 50, kinda my cap on the older man range, but thought I'd be open to it since we seemed to have similar values & interests. 
First date was fun, good conversation, & he'd picked a cool spot to meet up ~ all encouraging things.
2nd date ~ the eyeglasses stayed on the table the whole time, learned about all the diet restrictions to help lose the few lbs that have crept up since the 5-0, couldn't really answer why his marriage ended, & kept the date going for about an hour & half too long. 
Bad date topics started coming up as we searched for conversation, learned alot during that segment of the date ;)
Wanted to try again for some silly reason & accepted Date #3.
Beautiful restaurant, very romantic, delicious food.
Wished the entire time I was there with someone else.
Things were said, true colors shown & it was confirmed we're not a match.

Guy #3 (How bout we), took about 20 emails to get him to set up a date, which he did by emailing over his # & saying text me in the morning to make plans...ah such the gentleman.
I'll admit that set the tone of very low expectations on my part. 
So when I texted him & he suggested a thai restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised & said yes.
Then I realized he never said a time to meet or sent over the address, a link, nothing.
Being self sufficient, I yelp'ed it, got the address & saw that it was closed.
Dilemma - share this info or let him learn the hard way? 
I figured I'd see if he'd ever set a time & catch this bit of info himself, & if I hadn't heard from him as I left my earlier party, I might mention it via text.
Hours later I get the text saying its closed & scrambling to find a new spot, all while I'm at the party he knows I'm at & he keeps texting! (One thing I hate doing is being on my phone when out with friends, so rude!).
Picks a bar in the middle for both of us, which ends up being Silverlake.
Obnoxiously loud music & waaaaaay too hipster-y for me.
He's a director. Most of the date he was very LA douche-y, name dropping, etc. 
Turned human when he talked about his boys.
But when conversation ran out mid-way, he grabbed my head & pulled me in & started kissing me.
Now it had been a while & I was really really missing kissing, so I gave in, to try him on.
The thing is when you do that, then realize you don't want to be kissing him, it gets really awkward as he keeps trying for the rest of the date...
**GUYS - if you're gonna kiss on the 1st date, wait til the end, let it build! Better yet, leave her wanting you & don't kiss til the 2nd date** 
Felt way too violated to give him another chance.

In my 20's I used to kiss all sorts of guys, but now I really want to be attracted to them as a person first. 
I love kissing, I do. I miss it, but making out just for the "sake of kissing" isn't all that fun anymore. 

Oh, I almost forgot about Guy #4 (OkC), I'm meeting him for drinks on Friday.
His profile sounds great, he bakes delicious goodies ~ of course "yes" let's meet up.
He's a producer of entertainment news & so far our phone chats have been more interview style, but for now I'm writing it off to work-mode...we'll see...


Now I don't take these seriously, but I saw this week's horoscope & could help wishing for a lil truth in it...
I think you & I both know the answer though after the above re-cap ;)

Pisces (February 20-March 20)

Paddleboarding, anyone? The Leo sun lights up your sixth house of health for the next month, calling forth the wellness warrior in you. Last week you sneered at a friend’s tireless green smoothie Instagrams, this week, you’re firing up the blender and asking her for tips on making kale. Romantic Venus cruises into your commitment zone from Monday through August 15 sprinkling serious relationship fairy dust all over your love life. Time to have The Talk, Pisces. 

I've been re-marathoning with 30 Rock lately & enjoying the beauty of Liz Lemon. 

She is unapologetically herself & everything out of her mouth makes me laugh!

The hopeless romantic in me is still clinging to the idea of magical first dates, getting lost in each other where the world around you disappears, falling passionately in love...but with the current date situations & Liz saying quotes like these, it makes me kinda wonder...maybe I do "just want to start a relationship 12 years in"...

Lemon out ~

xo